I am a School Warden, and Hear Me Roar

I am just back from looking after some 300+ students in the school hostel. Its only babysitting the students, making sure they do stuff on schedule and hoping nothing bad happens during my time on duty.

What are the bad things that may happen you asked? Children are still children. Accidents during sports. They might fall off the stairs. Brawling rarely happens, but its a possibility. Some students may have high fever in the middle of the night. They might got food poisoning. Unauthorized personals invading the hostels. Or the students decided they wanted to go out of the hostel grounds without permission. The list can be quite long....

There are 7 wardens, all of us are also teachers, three men and four women. Only me and a fellow male teacher live outside the school compound. (I love my house anyway, and do not wish to stay apart long with it). Close proximity to the students will be BAD for a warden's health. There'll be constant knocking on the door, and endless stream of questions from both students and parents during the weekend. From 'when can we go out' to 'can I bring my child out for her grandma's wedding'.

Every wardens has his / her own style. And mine is 'in your face' approach.

If I don't like a student (behavior) I will tell the rest that I hate that particular human being and his associates will also feel the heat. I don't usually sugarcoat my words because I always believe honesty is the best policy.

Some may wonder in shock, WTH are you posing as a teacher then? From my 14 years experience, my observation of human (student) nature is; they will never change in school. A good student may improve, but an average or the bad ones may continue being so for the rest of the year. I am talking in behavioral terms, not academic. A tardy boy will continue being late, and a hardworking girl will continue creating great diagrams in her homework.

So what kind of children do you have?

The best way to change children's mind for the better is by telling them why they must do so, making them UNDERSTAND what will happen if they fail. Yes, talk to them to nail in the facts, properly.

This may prove very hard because usually peer pressure will destroy this holy task of yours.

So I always turns to BLACKMAILING instead. The next best thing.

You don't do what I ask, I will never look at your face again. You will make 5 copy of this correction paper if you fail my test. You will stand the entire hour in my class if you are late. You will acknowledge yourself as an idiot if you fail to answer me, even after I told you to read. You will sit in the middle of the corridor if you fail to hand in your work etc etc.

Harsh. (Not very) brutal. But it works. I don't do much shouting anymore when I found out that the results will be much the same without any screaming. Now I aim for their ego.

Anyway, picture time!

I used my younger prefects to set up the hall for yesterday's ceremony. These students work directly under me and know what will happen if I don't get my way. So everything went fast and smoothly. If I use the average students instead, sharp and abusive words may have to be expressed to have the job done. (They will play... oh how they play....)
Oh and this was about 930 in the evening....

The next day, when all of them are in school prefects uniform. I didn't have to tell them twice (now that's a teacher's wet dream). You girls sweep and you boys pick up the pigeons' feathers (our school is infested with these flying vermin). Observe and Obey, my personal motto.

You just cannot win the war by playing nice. The Dark Side of the Force can have things done too :)

Life Is A Struggle For Some People

I was compelled to type this post after reading TechnoBabe's recent entry. Something happened this afternoon, and I'd like to share with the few of you.

I have a new Form 4 student who arrived last month from a school further away. He was quiet and I must confess I never spoke a word directly to him (because I always teach in general). Then he began to miss school for many times a week, and as a curious person, I asked about his wellbeing from the classmates.

His friends told me that after school he worked at a local restaurant till very late. As a very liberal person, I just wished him luck quietly and continued teaching the rest of the brood. I thought that maybe some students are just happier working for money than study. It's a common trait.

Yet this afternoon, my colleague who teaches Chemistry informed me about the plight of this particular student of mine during my class at the lab. He told me that this student comes from a very poor family and his father had just recently had one of his feet cut off because of some disease. So the family almost barely make ends meet, thus my student had to work extra hard until late at night to support his family. Life is now a struggle for him.

If the family receive no help, he might drop out of school.

Pity.

This is the thing I always preach to my students. Life is not always sweet and beautiful. When the storm comes and hit you badly, be prepared to crawl on your knees and hands to continue. But believe it or not, when I told his case to my waiting students after the conversation with my colleague, a few students said that their life are GUARANTEED to be well.

And I solemnly cursed them aloud - mostly wishing death and destruction to their family and property. I really did.

Evil Teacher Strikes Again

Parents are allowed to come into class today for the 'Meet the Teachers' programme. This is held twice a year, after the mid term and the final term exams. Parents are briefed about the school's policy and they can ask the teachers about the performance of their children in class.

I am the class teacher of 2 C. There are 14 boys and 15 girls under me and I have their result sheets in my hands. I have a lot of things to say to visiting parents... Let's say today is a good day for revenge.

So the influx of parents started at 9.00 am. There were more parents than I expected, but no matter. I used to stutter when I was young but this grown man has a new nickname - Silvertongue, I can talk my way to people's destruction.

Parents were surprised. Parents were saddened. Parents were angered (not at me). Woe to the students who vexed me in class. I told EVERYTHING to their parents. The laziness. The truancy. The rudeness. And a couple of fathers SLAPPED their precious daughters in front of the entire class, so ashamed of their own spawns. Tears were shed, not that I care.

I've warned them before. Cross me and you'll get what you deserve. I was actually smiling while other people were in shock.

But I was not a complete beast, ok? Good and polite students (I treasure these more than clever students) received glowing praises from me. And the look on their parents' faces were of pride and joy. We talked about the children progress and most parents just agreed whatever advice I recommended for them.

Tomorrow is another schooling day. And after school I'm going to watch 'Transformers 2' with eleven people I work with. :)

Ruining lives (of snobbish students) is a hard but satisfying work. :)

And I've read this quote somewhere by Alfred Hitchcock;

"Revenge is sweet and not fattening." How true.

Shattered Marriage And Dream

My relationship with my wife (very soon to be ex) was not a happy one, mainly because of her fault, but I am not going to tell you why. I wanted children of my own but now the dream has gone into the toilet bowl, flushed down the sewer and now bye bye, lost at sea.

Sometimes I think that this is God's heavy sentence upon me - for being such an evil person most of my life. Well... I am not angry with Fate. Just a teeny weenie disappointed.

Life goes on.

It's ironic that I am VERY good with children, especially toddlers, but never had any myself. No matter how brutally (and sometimes destructively) angry I was in class, my students still adore me. 

Some might say I am a lonely fool but I am not so, just severely bored. I read (from great MANY ferret manuals) that a ferret's life is shorten if he is caged and has nothing to stimulating to do. I think the same thing might happen to me, so I usually seek my own amusement. The methods of finding fun will not be enclosed here - mainly for your own peace of mind.

Well, tomorrow I am going to watch 'The Last Vampire' with a couple of friends. The rain of blood and limbs will cheer me up mightily, and the promise of converting somebody to my evil cause is very sweet indeed.

I never said I was nice. So sue me.

Of Communism and Hans Christian Andersen

I was reading the newspaper this morning (Ok ok, I am STILL avoiding tv news) - "Govt Will Not Allow Chin Peng To Return." He is the former Communist Party of Malaya leader, and was considered a great threat to the country during the Emergency 1948 - 1981. Mr ex-Communist was deported out of Malaysia several years ago and now some idiot of a politician is trying to bring him back because "he no longer posed a threat and as such the government should consider allowing him to return on humanitarian grounds".

I call that a tasteless sort of joke. This man and his minions had killed so many people during their insurgence, terrorized the country and that successfully put himself into the darkest annals of Malaysian history. Why suddenly you want to come back after the long exile? Feeling old and suddenly missing the Motherland? Go and bite the dust Chin Peng!

Personally, communism IS NOT really a bad idea from what I have read (before and now). 

"Communism in the Marxian (1848) sense refers to a classless, stateless and oppression-free society where decisions on what to produce and what policies to pursue are made democratically, allowing every member of society to participate in the decision-making process in both the political and economic spheres of life." - Wikipedia   [See what I mean?]

UNFORTUNATELY, people drifted from this pure ideology of communism, and only a select few dictates the fate of the majority, which is very very bad decision. Hurm, I will not pursue this topic further or some might get the idea that I am supporting communism in this fair country.

Anyway, I finished reading a fairy tales book by Christian Anderson (the unabridged edition). Long ago I read about the Brothers Grimm, they collected folk tales from the German people and compiled them in a book. Most of the stories are not suitable for younger children - all about blood, death, deceit and evil plots. My fav author also mentioned in one of his books that fairy tales were indeed about 'blood (violence) and sex'. This is VERY true. So please slap yourself in the face and read the original fairy tales, not the short and revised versions for children under 5.

When a hero fell in love with a beautiful girl he met somewhere in the woods - Isn't that about lust-at-first-sight @ sex? How can a mermaid have sex with a young and handsome prince? So the slut had her fishtail exchanged with a pair of legs (sounds like a very bad joke). The SCANDAL! All because of so called-love (not)!

We have read the many abuse Cinderella ('Ashputtel' in original German) endured because she was meek and timid - violence. How about Jack who felled the beanstalk, the bloody thief who just added murder (of the poor giant) and environment destruction (the beanstalk) to his credo? Jack is a TERRORIST, people!!

Don't tell me you enjoyed reading about his adventures (in the land above the clouds, via magic beanstalk) and actually thought of his theft of the golden harp and the hen that laid golden eggs as righteous!! PLEASE feel sorry for the big and ugly giant who fell to his death because of this evil and VIOLENT kid. Big and ugly does not mean you are evil. *snif*

I hope this short entry can open up your mind to the truths about fairytales.    

p.s.

- I pity Sauron from 'Lord of the Rings', he had waited hundreds of years for his ring, which was stolen-by-force from him. Tch tch tch. And you wonder why I want the Shire to burn? :) Oh and I hope I am not offending anyone with this post. Just trying a new spectrum of writing here.

                                                          The horny little bi**h of the sea.

Mission Accomplished : Mount Presents

Today is Teacher's Day in school. And I arrived in school much later than usual brandishing two digital cameras (my own Sony-H3 and an Ixus) because I am the school un-official photographer. I love taking pictures, and I am VERY good at it (not the pictures taken with my mobile phone though, those are of low quality). I began the morning with taking candid pictures of the teachers all over the school. 

I am sorry. But these old female teachers THREATEN to kill me if I put their pictures in my blog. And they will check frequently. :( *snif* There goes my opportunity to make fun on other's expenses.

Anyhoo (as the Australians would say), the reason for this entry is.... YES, I ACHIEVED A MOUNTAIN OF GIFTS ON MY DESK!!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! 1 000 x  The secondary objective to make the other teachers green with envy was also successful.

And they accused me of forcing my students to give the presents. Ok, ok, I admit I did the dastardly deed last year. But this year (if you follow my 'Words from An Educated Psychopath') I only ask them what they wanted to give me. It's a huge difference, right?

Ok, enough gloating for now. I have a snippet of my students' 'dikir barat' during the performance for teachers this afternoon. Hope you like them. :) [Sorry for the lousy sound. I was sitting at the very front, on the steps, next to the huge speaker]

Oh, and I will take a photo of my presents tomorrow (if none were stolen).

                                    

Plans For World Domination During Teacher's Day.

Our school, heck, Teacher's Day will be celebrated all across Malaysia only this Monday. I have an evil plan brewing and I hope it will come to full fruitation on that day.

I always get the most presents among teachers, and I never fail achieving that goal every year.

It's so priceless watching the envy on the senior and older teachers.

"I've been teaching in this school for so long but I never had that many," the senior teacher who sat next to me mentioned, looking at the hill of presents on my desk - last year.

And I have a good feeling history will repeat itself.

p.s. - I love getting presents, no matter how cheap. It's the principle. So I am not thinking asking for them is a bad thing, ha ha ha ha ha!   

Of Education and Beer...

I am in the library right now, watching some 30 odd students 'reading' books in front of me. 'Reading' is a strong word, to be precise, most of them are just browsing through the books, with the pages meaningless in their own faces, mainly talking and joking among themselves.

If these children are the future of the country... our future is really bleak indeed. Who are we going to blame next? (If you dare to say blame the teachers, I'd break your neck if you are near me).

Students (brilliant and stupid alike) are really good actors. When at home, they are every parent's dream-child, obeying every whim and holding on every word. 

"Nothing is wrong with my child, he's a real angel." Words so commonly heard by teachers, especially from parents of troubled students in school.

It's human nature. We do change our behavior out of the monitoring eyes of beloved parents. So teachers witnessed the true colours of all children under them; because we are actually considered as 'outsiders'. And when back at home, they don back their angelic masks and pretend everything is right as rain.

Oh I can rant on and on about this... but most of you might say, what the hell? They are only children. Then wait for your own children to materialize, and then join the blind and mute. Don't believe what your children's teachers said. They just love saying bad things about your angelic son and daughter because they got nothing better to do.

Anyway, I met a younger friend of mine in town and we went for supper last night. He expressed that he was in trouble because he got no job and to make matter worse, his bad qualifications hindered his opportunity. I told him;

"Now you regretted your fun-filled schooling days right? I bet you feel bad about skipping class. I know you wish to turn back time.... ya da ya da yada. But really, it is too late for all that."

Most people will never learn until bad things happen.

And he bought a can of beer at a convenience store (I had soy milk, ok!). I was really surprised but never made myself heard (because I believe in freedom of choice). So young, chain-smoking and now a drunk. I did many bad things in life, but I never take alcohol - because I am a classy kind of bad person.

I like to watch people shrivel and die in front of me. Especially if they do it onto themselves. Advice can be dispensed upon asking. It's a free country after all.

    

Do You Believe in The Occult? (Read at Your Own Peril)

I am just back from meeting an Indonesian shaman who lives near the Hang Jebat Stadium. My mom, aunt and a couple of female relatives accompanied me to meet this ordinary looking guy who said he was some great and powerful witch-doctor / shaman / miracle-man.

Yes, I have a big and evil demon inside me. And they had been unsuccessful to remove him.

I do believe in the paranormal because I had witnessed two unexplained phenomena myself. But I will only tell you if you wish to know about them. I do not like to seem like a crazy person who make things up.

Back to the darkness within... I was never afraid of the dark. I like the dark and I do have my classes in poor light, to the protest of many students who wished the lights to be switched on. I was born bad and had to act my way through life to be accepted. Only my late father knew about the true me, but it was way too late, because shortly then, he passed away.

Anyway back to this shaman guy who said pretty much convincing things, saying excerps from the Holy K0ran to make his points. His home was small and stuffy, and it got worse when he smoked in that windowless hut. My aunts kept asking him various questions; mostly about remedies to so many ailments. He answered by giving the recipes most commonly found in the folks medicine tomes. I am not impressed.

Then, he asked me to cleanse myself by fasting for 3 days. Seriously no food and drinks for 3 straight days! (The usual method of fasting; no eating and drinking from sun-up to sun-down). I almost laughed in his face. It's hard and impossible for me (as I need to drink gargantuan amount of water, it's diabetes insipidus). The guy said, by fasting, I cleanse my body (which is true) and he will be able to insert himself into big wicked me (which I have serious doubts) and drive the horror away.

I studied the guy carefully... and instantly saw something that made my doubts reasonable. Moslem men cannot wear gold, as stated in the Holy Book and Sunnah. This man was wearing a golden necklace under his shirt. So I do not need to heed an order from someone who breaks a religious law. Even I, as bad as you can only imagine, never wear gold.

Tell me what you think. Have you meet these so called holy men before? 

We Launched Rockets All Day!

I brought my Chilean Rose tarantula, Rosy to school in her terrarium for next week's 'Science & Math Week' exhibition in my Physics lab. I will bring Pandy to school next Tuesday, because the ferret is so attached to me, and there is no way in Hell I'm leaving him alone for the weekend. 

Tomorrow there will be a water rocket launching competition at a local planetarium by the beach. I will be taking 3 students to join the fun and I am not really hoping for victory because, yes, sometimes I don't even care if we won - it's the pessimist in me.

But we had a great time this morning till afternoon, experimenting! We launched water rockets several times in the school field, and I could feel the envy of many students (and even teachers) that we were allowed to have so much fun outside class in full view of others. (Yes, I deliberately wanted them ALL to see. It's a subtle kind of promotion - To play water rocket's, get enrolled in Sir Ramzu's classes).

Well, tomorrow's the big day. I am not hoping to get 1st place, but heck I wish the competition wouldn't be that long. I hate being in the sun too much.

'Sissy' Teachers and Stupid Students.

I was in school this morning, after 3 days absence, attending that STUPID camping program I told you guys about. There are two things I wish to share with you, about the two incidences today, which some might say rather petty, but are really close to my heart.

1st Incidence.

I am usually punctual, arriving on time to the Science lab. I make it a habit to let my students see me walking purposely to the lab, so they know I am waiting and would be rather nasty if they are late (I like to give warnings first, remember?).

As I was walking by the classroom block, I saw a practical teacher entered my students' class, 2E. I continued to the laboratory and after a few minutes of waiting, only a few students arrived.

"Where are the rest of you?"

"They are still in the class sir."

???  "You did see me walking past your class, didn't you?"

"Yes we did. But the other boys and girls said they wanted to be with the relief teacher. They say you are absent today."

[Shadowthorne the Dragon emerged]

"WHAT?!!! Go tell them if they are not here in two minutes, I'll rip them in half," pointing to a student. "And send my regards to that teacher." (in a calmer tone)

 

The rest of the students trooped in. I berated them for 15 minutes, cursing their lack of insight and their tendency to play around, which would lead to a very very bleak future.

But personally; I kind of like it - they fear me.

2nd Incidence.

I was teaching in another class (2C) at 1.20 pm when the Head Department of Language entered and asked my permission to talk to my class. She said one particular male practical teacher was having a bad time teaching the class. She said the teacher reported that the class was always rowdy and difficult to teach. The next time the teacher enters, she would expect cooperation from the students and would call the names of the stubborn ones during assembly.

And then she left.

I was thinking.... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE NEW TEACHERS?! What you expect from students today? To sit calmly and demurely while you teach? Even I, one of the most brutal teachers in the school, got a few things to straightened up before beginning a lesson.

I remembered when I was a practical teacher in 2003, teaching in a lab, next to a basketball court. Imagine the noise and the distraction me and my students had to endure whenever some classes having PE. When my professor monitored me one day (during the same noise-storm from the basket-ball court, complete with the balls banging on the lab's windows!) he mentioned at the end of the class that he had never seen such an iron-fist grip a teacher had over his students in a very difficult situation. I was able to make the students giving their fullest attention to me admist the chaos just outside the lab. I was proud of myself...

So back to the original story. This particular practical teacher is rather cute (it's never wrong to admit another guy is cute, ok?) and he's an Army Cadet instructor! But to be a snitch was the last thing I expect from him. If you cannot face the music (or the students) just wail and go back to your mother!

We need more strong and dedicated teachers - not crybabies!  

Let's Go Sunning

Let’s go sunning
It’s so good for you
Let’s go sunning
Beneath the sky of blue
Greet the sun every morn
Feel as free and happy as the day you’re born

Let’s go native
Sun your cares away
Be creative
Learn to live and play
Pretty flowers need the sun
This applies to every one

Life’s worth living
When nature’s giving
Happiness to everyone
So let’s go sunning

Let’s go native
Sun your cares away
Be creative
Learn to live and play

Pretty flowers need the sun
This applies to everyone
Life’s worth living
When nature’s giving
Happiness to everyone
So let’s go sunning

* I have just created a widget for this song. This is a soundtrack from the movie 'Garden of Eden' 1954. Yes, totally retro. But I 1st actually heard the song long ago from a PlayStation 2 game, 'Kill All Humans' where the scenes of chaos and destruction was depicted cheerily by the song. Then I heard it again in another video game, 'Fallout 3' PS3. It was played over and over again and stuck to the mind like a limpet. 

A fellow teacher was asking if anybody knew any songs that are short and simple for the 'An English Song A Week' programme. I might introduce her this song and brain wash the entire school. Ha ha ha ha ha. [Listen to the song. It is indeed a fun and happy song, but oh PLEASE READ THE LYRIC CAREFULLY. You might be surprised.] (Evil laugh)